insideimlaughingatthemoneyistole.jpgTwenty million apparentlly doesn’t buy what it used to, does it? Seriously, Bud, you don’t want to ask for a refund?

For all the ephemeral one-day bluster it caused—Timmy Kurkjian is still voting for Bonds and Clemens for the Hall after all—the report itself is amazingly thin.

Well, not in a literal sense. It tips the scales at over 400 pages and it probably wiped out a small section of the rainforest when it set off an armada of company printers upon its afternoon release.

But having actually read the whole thing (What? I’m stuck in Houston) it kind of has that feel of your junior year term paper that you set in courier font just so that the text would make it to a fourth page. (more…)

adt-trophy.jpgFirst let’s take a moment and acknowledge the awesomeness that was Bizarro College Football Season.

It was awesome.

Okay, now you can revert to your Edvard Munch face.

Yes, the BCS has left us with Cheaty McSweatervest vs. Talky McLoudcoach. God what a dream.

That is if your dreams include getting sucker punched in the nuts. But hey, somebody’s gotta live in Columbus.

Really, the BCS has sucked the lifeforce out of me. I can barely make a dick joke when talking about it. Still, I feel compelled to take a couple of jabs at the cocksure kids in Columbus and Red Stick.

Yes, you won the sweepstakes. Do you deserve it? Not really. Not that anybody else did. Save for Hawaii everyone’s got one big strike against them. Some have two.
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brownmack1.jpgI’m scrambling to get these up before the Horns and the Aggies face off. So there is minimal snark to kick off this week’s picks. Plus I think I’m still in a tryptafan coma. But it’s rivalry week. Yep, nothing like the traditional West Fuckin’ Virginia v. Connecticut tilt to fire up a sports weekend. At least Kansas v. Missouri means something really significant for the first time ever. I’m going to stop bashing the Fat Man. I am in awe of what he’s done in Lawrence this year. Plus, I’m fearful he might sit on me.

Useless information is after the jump. (more…)

cheaty.jpgWow, Gabe, that was actually well-reasoned. Well, except for the part about buying breakfast. In fact, I’m pretty sure you don’t want me going into any personal history on this. Your wife thinks highly of you, I hate to ruin that in a blog post.

So instead I will ruin one of your theories. If the line is “off” for ND, Texas, Alabama, Oklahoma, etc., then savvy gamblers will recognize that there is free money out there to be had. Once that money has poured in to arbitrage it away, there would be too much on one side and Vegas, which isn’t really in the prognosticating industry so much as the risk-mitigation business, would have to move the line accordingly.

Efficient markets. Look into the concept.

Anyway, I went 1-3 last week to cement my place among the world’s worst clairvoyants (7-21 on the season). I think you are doing better only because you stopped counting.

So you stick to your rules, I’m going to use some of my own to pick your games. (more…)

mangino-1.jpgSo I got another genius comment from what I am going to presume is a Jayhawk supporter. I’m making that assumption based not on the content of the comment itself (see below), but more on the inability to use anything resembling proper grammar (‘your’ not ‘you’re,’ no capitalization, etc.)

But, again, the fact that Kansas is undefeated doesn’t mean that their schedule hasn’t been easy. The latter actually facilitates the former. Who is their biggest win against? The worst Nebraska team maybe ever? An OSU team that blew a 21 point fourth quarter lead at home to Texas?

To this point (November 13) the Jayhawks have beaten exactly one team that was ranked when they played them. That was a K-State team that is now 5-5. (more…)

supersupergay.jpgShit week. Job. Girls. Family. Money. Everything. Just a shit week. I even made my flight reservations for a friend’s wedding to the wrong city. Oops.

It all kind of makes fantasy sports seem even dumber and gayer than they already are. Yet, I’m in three leagues (2 football, 1 fútbol… I’m actually in 2 of these but I lost the l/p to the one for That’s On Poitnt (Sorry Cardillo, I’m the dick in last place still starting Reo Coker)). Anyway, I took a beating akin to a 12- year-old’s penis after he just discovered masturbation. In all leagues. Just piling on I suppose.

Bust after a decent start I am just getting raked in my fantasy fútbol league. EPL info is too hard to come by and I seem to cause players to score multiple goals by dropping them and cause them to get red cards by picking them up. So fuck all of them. And fuck them 5-7-5 style.

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manginothinnerdays1.jpgThe World’s Worst Prognosticator (that’s me) only managed to go 3-1 last week by not actually prognosticating. Really, it was a totally random finger to the computer screen. And I almost went 4-0 had the coach at Troy not called timeout 3 times in the last 30 seconds of the game to get one more touchdown and the cover.

Dick.

So I raise my record to a pathetic 6-18. I’m almost disappointed that I couldn’t manage to go 0-4 a third straight week but, again, I actually took myself out of the equation. And the two games that Gabe Kaplan’s Stylist picked that I contemplated doing, I went 0-2 on. So, I might have pulled it off had I tried, but that would have required effort and stuff.

Anyway, it’s pretty clear what to make of what I say. So with that in mind…

Play in traffic. Take candy from strangers. Invest on stock tips found on the Internet. Share a needle with Keith Richards. Go hunting with powerful politicians. Have unprotected sex next time you’re in Estonia.

More bad advice after the jump. And this week, like guys with no stamina, it comes early. (more…)