Fantasy Sports


Every notice how every now and then your fantasy baseball team is complete pants? Fortunately you don’t lose much ground because the other teams was equally as craptastic.

At one point last night my “team”—yes, I realize it’s a fake team playing fake games, but one thing I like about fantasy baseball is that it lets me see some things statistically that I might not otherwise notice—was a fierce 3-24. I think Kotchman got a hit in his last a bat to raise the batting average to .160 (with 8 K’s to boot).

And these aren’t bottom of the order guys. Kotchman is hitting .340 on the season. Rafael Furcal, Josh Hamilton, Matt Holliday, Aramis Ramirez, Connor Jackson, these are all guys hitting about .300 or better. Shit Furcal is hitting .370! (more…)

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These two things I know:

1) Nobody cares about your fantasy team. While in this case “your” means “my,” it’s true for everybody. The only person who cares about your team, who you drafted, and what trades you made, is you. Even the people you might be playing in your head-to-head league don’t care, or they only care inasmuch as you suck that week.

2) I realize there has only been one week played in the MLB season.

But that’s not going to stop from proclaiming that my team might be the worst ever. At least offensively. (more…)

supersupergay.jpgShit week. Job. Girls. Family. Money. Everything. Just a shit week. I even made my flight reservations for a friend’s wedding to the wrong city. Oops.

It all kind of makes fantasy sports seem even dumber and gayer than they already are. Yet, I’m in three leagues (2 football, 1 fútbol… I’m actually in 2 of these but I lost the l/p to the one for That’s On Poitnt (Sorry Cardillo, I’m the dick in last place still starting Reo Coker)). Anyway, I took a beating akin to a 12- year-old’s penis after he just discovered masturbation. In all leagues. Just piling on I suppose.

Bust after a decent start I am just getting raked in my fantasy fútbol league. EPL info is too hard to come by and I seem to cause players to score multiple goals by dropping them and cause them to get red cards by picking them up. So fuck all of them. And fuck them 5-7-5 style.

(more…)

If ever there was a week for my players not to suck—Crawford almost 0-for the week, Manny pretty much the same, and Kotchman avoided going negative only by virtue of a dinger on Sunday (I think his only hit for the week)—it was this week as I was playing the two teams above me in the standings.

Thanks guys.

But one guy stood out. Never in the history of our league has a single player managed to accumulate double-digit negative points for the week. Until now. So in honor of that honor, one person gets the spotlight to himself.

(more…)

wes_01.jpg

Inspired by a Deadspin headline and a Deadon comment thread, this week’s odes to my fantasy team is in honor of the late Wesley Willis. (more…)

chipper.jpgNobody cares about your fantasy team.

Well, if you’re in a head-to-head league, the other guy you are playing might care. But even that isn’t lasting more than a week. Seriously, if you want to suck the lifeforce out of people just tell them how you dropped Chad Gaudin right before he became SP eligible so you could pick up Jason Hirsch on a 2-start week only to see him get pounded twice.

I am now a less interesting person simply for having written that sentence.

I am also guilty. I am obsessed with checking my teams’ scores as they update. I watch gamecasts to see if Micah Owings can pitch out of a 2-on 2-out jam. I didn’t even know there was such a thing as a Micah Owings six weeks ago, or if I did, I probably thought it was some brand of cookware. These aren’t even actual games I am watching, they are just dots that appear on a web page that show where a pitch crossed the strike zone. I’m an Ecclesiastical fence-sitter (read: agnostic), yet I believe those dots to reveal something true about the world. It’s not healthy.

I want to talk about my fantasy players but I want to do it in a way such that I don’t lose my friends and don’t chase away potential girlfriends. So I will attempt to use the only idiom that will not engender hatred. (more…)