Dear Kenny Wiliams:

I imagine you worry about who or what your trigger happy manager might go off on next, or maybe that the 38-year-old you just traded for will get hurt (may or may not have already have happened). But you shouldn’t trifle over such trivialities.

Instead you should be worried about me because I can control the fate of the Chicago White Sox.

Don’t laugh.

I have picked up three White Sox players this season in my fantasy league and my doing so caused them to start sucking harder and faster than a pornstar facing a penis covered in coke and cash.

Don’t believe me? I have photographic evidence here, here, and here [Okay, link coming]. But that’s me, the Little Lebowski Urban Achievers and I am killing your players.

Exhibit A: In Week 8 (May 19, 2008), I picked up A.J. Pierzynski. I think I had drafted Ivan Rodriguez but failed to account for him being old. So I needed a replacement. Pierzynski was available and was hitting .308 entering the week. When I was done with him six days later—our scoring periods are one week and the South Siders had off that Monday—he was hitting .283 and his OPS had plummeted almost 70 points.

During the time I had him, Pierzynski went 1 for 20. Yes, he hit .050. After I dropped him and he went 4 for his next 10 (.400) and 13 for his next 40 (.325)

Exhibit B: Week 11. Jose Contreras. On straight fantasy points he looks like he did okay. But he was a two start pitcher and almost half of the total—8 of his 16.17—came by virtue of his picking up a quality start. Looking at the pitching numbers it’s less good.Far less good. Contreras went 0-2 with a 6.93 ERA.

Like with A.J., this was a huge drop as, before I acquired him, Contreras was borderline dominant. In his previous 7 appearances he was 4-1 with an ERA of 1.98 and 34Ks in 50 IP. His previous 6 appearances were all quality starts in which he posted a cumulative 1.47 ERA. Then I added him to my roster.

Exhibit C: Mark Buehrle. Again picked up as a two-start pitcher for this week (July something through August 3), Buehrle had also been cruising before donning a LLUA shirt. Going back to June 1, he was 6-2 with a 1.99 ERA in 10 starts with all but one of those being a quality start.

I add him to my roster and he goes 0-2 with an 11.58 ERA. He didn’t make it past the 5th in either outing and gave up 22 hits while allowing more HRs (4) than he had Ks (3). Saturday against the lowly Royals he had his worst outing of the season.

For the week I got less than 1 point from Buerhle. By comparison, a QS in our league is usually worth at least 16 points and up to over 25 (complete game shut outs go for upwards of 35). So, based on his last 10 starts, my minimum expected value from Buehrle this week was 28.8 points (or .9*(16+16)). Again, he didn’t even give me a single point, just fractions thereof.

One is an accident. Two is a trend. Three is metaphysical certainty. And these are the only three Sox I’ve had on my team at any point this season. With a few clicks of the mouse, I can wreck anyone on the South Side.

So, Mr. Williams, pay me. And pay me some serious money. I’m thinking like low seven figures. Or else.

Or else I’l trade Josh Hamilton for Carlos Quentin straight up. I’ll move Tim Lincecum for John Danks. Non-closers have almost no value in our league, so it’s no problem to go grab Linebrink and Dotel. Boom goes the bullpen.

I’m not joking Kenny, my next fantasy moves could see Comisculllar empty by September 1.

Oh, and other GMs in the Central, I’m also open to straight bribes. Basically, I’m now a whore to the highest bidder.

And I’m okay with that because I’ve never had this kind of power before.