These two things I know:

1) Nobody cares about your fantasy team. While in this case “your” means “my,” it’s true for everybody. The only person who cares about your team, who you drafted, and what trades you made, is you. Even the people you might be playing in your head-to-head league don’t care, or they only care inasmuch as you suck that week.

2) I realize there has only been one week played in the MLB season.

But that’s not going to stop from proclaiming that my team might be the worst ever. At least offensively.

Of nine position players, I have only 2 hitting over .300, while 5 of my players are hitting at .200 or worse. That’s right, over half my line-up is below the Mendoza line.

That doesn’t sound that bad for week one, but remember this is fantasy. I’m in a 10-team league, so it’s not like we’re having to load roasters up with Adam Everetts and Chris Burkes.

Here’s what the worst fantasy line-up in the world actually looks like (Name, current BA, (2007 BA), difference):

Travis Hafner .261 (.266) -.005
Aramis Ramirez .211 (.310) -.099
Ivan Rodriguez .200 (.281) -.081
Carl Crawford .167 (.315) -.148
Matt Holliday .143 (.340) -.197
Eric Byrnes .125 (.286) -.161
Placido Polanco .087 (.341) -.254

The lot is collectively batting .135 points below their 2007 averages. That is awful.

Okay, it’s only a partial list as the Dodgers have been downright competent. In fact if my two Dodgers—James Loney .386 (.331) and Rafael Frucal .429 (.270)—continue at anything near those paces, I’ll turn cartwheels naked in October. But for now, they have simply saved me from being embarrassingly bad in the opening week (Actually because of my pitching I still had a chance to pull one of my two match-ups out, but the points I didn’t get because Erik Bedard was scratched from his second start Sunday pretty much killed me).

The best of that bunch (and ‘best’ here meaning ‘worst’) might look like Polanco. But he’s actually put good wood on the stick in most of his at bats. He just can’t hit ’em where they ain’t. No, Matt Holliday has been the biggest Week 1 bed shitter given his 2007 season. So far Holliday has 7 K’s in 21 AB’s, including a golden sombrero in midweek. That’s Adam Dunn-esque. Actually it’s even a slightly higher clip than Sr. K who averaged just under a 1-in-3 clip in 2007.

Here’s a partial list of people whose better is better than Matt Holiday’s better after week one of the MLB season (nice commercial, moron).

Randy Winn
Carlos Quentin
Adam Jones
Jeff Salazar
Paul McAnulty
Brian Barton
Alfredo Amezaga
Skip Schumaker
Chris Burke
Brett Carroll
Jayson Werth
Gabe Gross
Nyjer Morgan
Mike Morse
Nathan Haynes
Emil Brown

Provided that Adam Jones isn’t the same guy known as Pac Man and who plays in the NFL, that’s 9 guys I’ve never even heard of, and that makes for one shitastic week, Matt.

[Ed. Note: This list is now wrong as I started this post as the Rockies were entering the late innings in their Sunday afternoon tilt against the Diamondbacks. Holliday hit a bottom of the 9th HR to tie the game and make his first week look far less awful. But A) I’m feeling too lazy to change the numbers and B) it doesn’t help much as it’s too little too late and I still opened 0-2 (and the Rockies still lost.]