See that? That’s Niklas Bendtner. And he’s white. And the Tottenham defense—cough*oxymoron*cough—has managed to make him look like the Michael Jordan of Denmark (Yes, it’s Engligh football, but Arsenal’s Bendtner is Danish).

Really, has anyone of Danish origin ever gotten that much air?

Answer: Probably not.

Checking the high jump results of every Olympics since the War, not a single Danish person, male or female, has ever sniffed the podium. There have been a couple of Swedes and a Norwegian (and even an American whose name was actually John Rambo) but no Danes. So this is not a country of jumpers we’re talking about. Ski jumpers, maybe, but the shoes on Bendtner’s feet are about 2 meters too short to qualify. And the grass at the Emirates is, well, grass and not snow.

Still there he is. If Spurs midfielder Jamie O’Hara wants to shove his head up Bendtner’s ass, all he has to do is take about half a step forward and wait for gravity to do the rest.

Even better, this is Bendtner’s first touch of the match. Oh, and what you can’t tell from this picture is that the ball ends up in the back of the net. It’s the deciding goal in Gunners’ 2-1 win. So Bendtner spent the previous 75 minutes collecting splinters on his ass—nice Recaro splinters, sure—then needed all of about 20 seconds to make Arsene Wenger look like a genius and make Tottenham look like, well, Tottenham.

Because what you also can’t tell from this picture is that Robbie Keane missed a PK for Spurs just a couple of minutes before Bendtner’s Darrel Griffith impersonation. So Tottenham again snatched zero points from the jaws of three.

Well played, gents. It’s like Martin Jol never left.

Doesn’t one of the sides have to win every now and then for something to be considered a rivalry? Tottenham is working on an 0-fer-20 overall and an 0-fer-14 streak between Highbury and the Emirates.

A friend with a graduate degree in philology assures me that the word “Tottenham” comes from the Middle English as translates roughly as “will never see the Champions League.” I don’t even know what philology is, so I’m more inclined to think that “Tottenham” is English for “Buffalo” and “Bendtner” is Danish for “Watch me get my genitals up to Berbatov’s eye level.”