insideimlaughingatthemoneyistole.jpgTwenty million apparentlly doesn’t buy what it used to, does it? Seriously, Bud, you don’t want to ask for a refund?

For all the ephemeral one-day bluster it caused—Timmy Kurkjian is still voting for Bonds and Clemens for the Hall after all—the report itself is amazingly thin.

Well, not in a literal sense. It tips the scales at over 400 pages and it probably wiped out a small section of the rainforest when it set off an armada of company printers upon its afternoon release.

But having actually read the whole thing (What? I’m stuck in Houston) it kind of has that feel of your junior year term paper that you set in courier font just so that the text would make it to a fourth page.

If you haven’t read it, here’s the recap: Clemens, Pettitte, Tejada, Gagne.

And Mitchell, in all of his investigative brilliance, was hand-delivered those names by a couple of guys—former Mets clubhouse employee Kirk Radomski and former Yankee and Blue Jays strength and conditioning coach Brian McNamee—who were being compelled to talk because the feds had gotten to them first.

Yep, $20 million and the only things of interest were dropped into their laps by people with, you know, skills. And it’s not like anyone with any reasonable cognative abilitied wasn’t a little suspicious of most of these guys anyway. Really, a power pitcher gets stronger as he gets older? Oh, totally.

Everything else pretty much came from ‘Game of Shadows’ and Jose Conseco’s ‘Juiced’ book. Just typing ‘Canseco’ into the ‘Find’ field of my PDF yields 105 matches. If I’m Mark Fainaru-Wada, I’m fucking pissed if a Fed Ex full of cash from DLA Piper isn’t sitting on my porch within the next week.

Really, I could have found a few bloggers to put this thing together for a couple cases of beer* and maybe some new curtains to replace the American flag draped over the basement window. And they could have delivered in significantly less time. Throw in a couple of strippers as part of the payment and the press conference for its release wouldn’t have been so epically dull either.

Having actually talked to a couple of the guys working under Mitchell, the quality and depth of the report has a surprise quotient of zero. I think I agreed not to mention the contents of the conversation, but I don’t think I ever agreed to saying that a conversation never took place.

It wasn’t that I had dirt on anyone. I don’t. But it was clear from the five minutes we spent on the phone that these people had no idea how to proceed. The mere fact that they were talking to me was enough to iterate that point. The actual conversation itself, was just a reiteration.

So, hizzah, Bud. You get to put Clemens’ name out there with almost no finger-pointing culpability on your hands.

But I doubt I’ll be buying the MLB Extra Innings Package next year. And I’ll probably pass on tickets to games as well. I’m not put off by the report. Personally, I think all cheats should be thrown out of the game and their records expunged. But that’s a different post.

But if I buy a ticket, I’m sure a few pennies of that has to go back to MLB, and if this is how MLB spends its money, then I am condoning this type of stupidity, if only tacitly.

(*Provided the feds gave the bloggers access to the same guys singing)