The World’s Worst Prognosticator (that’s me) only managed to go 3-1 last week by not actually prognosticating. Really, it was a totally random finger to the computer screen. And I almost went 4-0 had the coach at Troy not called timeout 3 times in the last 30 seconds of the game to get one more touchdown and the cover.
So I raise my record to a pathetic 6-18. I’m almost disappointed that I couldn’t manage to go 0-4 a third straight week but, again, I actually took myself out of the equation. And the two games that Gabe Kaplan’s Stylist picked that I contemplated doing, I went 0-2 on. So, I might have pulled it off had I tried, but that would have required effort and stuff.
Anyway, it’s pretty clear what to make of what I say. So with that in mind…
Play in traffic. Take candy from strangers. Invest on stock tips found on the Internet. Share a needle with Keith Richards. Go hunting with powerful politicians. Have unprotected sex next time you’re in Estonia.
More bad advice after the jump. And this week, like guys with no stamina, it comes early.
Kansas -5 over Oklahoma State
Here’s why I’m picking the Kansas game. Putting the words “Mark Mangino” in your post is like having the World’s Largest Ball of Twine on your blog. The tourists just pour in to gawk. Seriously, I’ve been getting like 200 hits a day from Internet searches for the only coach in football visible from space. Anyway, I’m finally buying in to Kansas and I want to do it pretty close to the last moment possible. I think they lose to Missouri, but I think they win and cover this week against the Cowboys. Gundy might still be 40 but I’m not sure he’s much of a man after getting his heart ripped out by the Horns for about the fourth time in three years. I’m also not sure how State recovers and I’m not the only one thinking this way as this game opened at 3.5. [Ed. Update: Oh fuck… Holtz just gave his pep talk to Oklahoma State. I think I’m going to jump off the Jayhawks bandwagon before I was even on long enough to get drunk]
Notre Dame +3 over Air Force
This actually opened as a Pick ‘Em. I can’t believe exactly how far South things have gone in the Bend. But here’s why I like the Irish. Okay, I don’t really have a reason other than it’s my alma mater and I’m praying we can get a couple of wins out of Air Force, Duke, and Stanford. Weis might actually be coaching for his job. That probably helps. I also think he might be working a little harder after being served humble pie by Navy. Incidentally, that was the only type of pie Weis had never eaten before.
Maryland +5 over Boston College
This is actually the game I thought BC was going to lose. Hey, I can still be right. I like getting points with home teams. I also like sock puppets and “Dude, Where’s My Car?” (Zoltan) so my preferences really might not mean that much. But I’ve also got a fat coach leitmotif going and don’t want to deviate from it. With Friedgen I get the troika.
Cal +4 over USC
On the line is a trip to the
BCS Championship Game Holiday Bowl. Oops. Tedford > Carroll. He’s also far less of a complete dick.
Per usual, once Gabe gets his picks up, I’ll give my snarktastic rebuttals.