losers.jpgI am defying all kinds of statistical probabilities this year. The line is supposed to make it a 50-50 proposition*. So just by randomly picking teams, I should be around .500. It’s not a large sample size, but it’s getting large enough.

I’m not close. I am 3-17, including an 0-fer my last 8. For what it’s worth, I don’t think I’ve gotten laid in the last couple of weeks either, so I’m failing in pretty much every aspect of my sinning life.

Although getting drunk? Still not a problem.

Anyway, my .150 winning percentage is beyond bad. And I watch a lot of college football. It’s not healthy. So you’d think I’d be better at this. Nope.

I’m giving up. I’m not quitting, just switching tactics. I’m going to be a monkey throwing his own poo at a computer screen and see what happens. I brought up a page with all the games and the lines, closed my eyes, put my finger to the screen and picked the team my finger landed on. And I’m just going to justify it after the fact.

And if that doesn’t work, I’m going buy a hooker and hope that turns everything around next week. Picks after the jump.

Washington -2.5 at Stanford.

Jake Locker is good. Stanford is bad. Okay, so they had their miraculous upset over USC and I’d like to stay with them for purely emotional reasons, but their coach is from Michigan so I can’t buy in fully. Yes, the diploma on Harbaugh’s wall has zero impact on the game on the field but rationality hasn’t worked for me, so I’m going to try my feelings. Sorry if you didn’t come here to get picks from a girl.

Illinois -16 at Minnesota

Minnesota’s uniforms are ugly. Illinois has a QB named Juice. If you can come up with more compelling justifications for your wagering, I’m all ears. Other than the fact that Minnesota is only okay on offense (42nd nationally and 7th in the Big 10) and gawdawful on defense (120th nationally and 11th in the Big 10).

Arizona +3.5 over UCLA

Who is playing QB for UCLA? Don’t care, I’ll take a crappy Pac 10 team at home getting points against a disappointing Pac 10 team on the road. Plus I think there are slightly hotter chicks at Zona. Ladies…

Georgia -16.5 over Troy

Didn’t the Dawgs just beat the University of Florida Tebows by 12 last week. They only have to manage an additional +4.5 over Troy this week. And they are at home? Everything about this screams ‘sucker bet’ right? But I’m not backing down from my methodology this week. Georgia got fingered, they are my pick.

If Gabe Kaplan’s Stylist gets his picks up, I’ll post my witty rejoinder to his only slightly-less stupidity.

You know, Gabe, your non-sequitur intros are bordering on Kings Larry and Peter in their relevance and cohesion. Frankly, as long as Joe Buck isn’t at the table I can dine with anyone. I really don’t need a pitch man for booze telling me that something Randy Moss did is disgusting (*cough* hypocrite *cough*). Plus I don’t think Summit, Packer, or Schilling ever had daddy help get them a job.

What’s that got to do with college football? Nothing. I’m just following your lead. And as long as we are talking gambling, I’ll bite on your proposition. I’ll bet every penny to my name as of today that Summit couldn’t take Vandy to an SEC football title in five years. Make her coach, and let’s make this bet happen.

Oklahoma State (+3) over Texas (Agree)

Texas is a total fraud. All Bill Callahan had to do was say, “Hey, somebody, let’s tackle #25,” and he could have beaten the Horns in Austin last week. Yep, Texas could have easily lost to a shit Huskers team in disarray at home. Plus, OSU is coached by a man, he’s 40.

Michigan (-4 1/2) over Michigan State (Agree)

I thought about picking this game, but my finger didn’t touch either team (“Show me on the doll…”) so I had to leave it be. This is in East Lansing, right? Doesn’t matter. The same way Carr can’t beat OSU, no matter who is coaching State can’t be the Wolverines.

Notre Dame -3 over Navy (Disagree)

Okay, this is the total trendy pick. The streak. A crappy Notre Dame team. Etc. But really think about this. First off Navy got beat by Delaware last week. And the Blue Hens hung 59 on the Middies. As woeful as ND has been, don’t you think they out-athlete Delaware at every position? Yes, Navy always overachieves against ND. And this ND team sucks, but the Irish have played a bitch-brutal schedule and it seems as if every week their opponent has shown up with their best game of the season (save UCLA which collapsed and handed the Irish their only win). Navy is still just 4-4 against one of the easiest schedules in the country and their wins are against teams that are a combined 13-20. Notre Dame wins. And by double digits. The only thing that scares me about this game is that Holtz gave his ESPN ‘pep talk’ to Navy and I think he’s 4-0 or something in pep talks.

Alabam +7 over LSU (Disagree)

I can’t believe I’m agreeing with you, but I think I like the theory of getting points in what seems like a toss-up. Plus Bama is at home, right? So why do you go against your own wisdom? LSU had no business beating Auburn at home last week. LSU is still coached by Les Miles. And Saban figures out how to beat his old players. Serenity now!

(* I understand it’s not technically true as the line’s purpose is just to get equal action on both sides, but I’m too tired to deal in nuances this week).