November 2007


brownmack1.jpgI’m scrambling to get these up before the Horns and the Aggies face off. So there is minimal snark to kick off this week’s picks. Plus I think I’m still in a tryptafan coma. But it’s rivalry week. Yep, nothing like the traditional West Fuckin’ Virginia v. Connecticut tilt to fire up a sports weekend. At least Kansas v. Missouri means something really significant for the first time ever. I’m going to stop bashing the Fat Man. I am in awe of what he’s done in Lawrence this year. Plus, I’m fearful he might sit on me.

Useless information is after the jump. (more…)

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cheaty.jpgWow, Gabe, that was actually well-reasoned. Well, except for the part about buying breakfast. In fact, I’m pretty sure you don’t want me going into any personal history on this. Your wife thinks highly of you, I hate to ruin that in a blog post.

So instead I will ruin one of your theories. If the line is “off” for ND, Texas, Alabama, Oklahoma, etc., then savvy gamblers will recognize that there is free money out there to be had. Once that money has poured in to arbitrage it away, there would be too much on one side and Vegas, which isn’t really in the prognosticating industry so much as the risk-mitigation business, would have to move the line accordingly.

Efficient markets. Look into the concept.

Anyway, I went 1-3 last week to cement my place among the world’s worst clairvoyants (7-21 on the season). I think you are doing better only because you stopped counting.

So you stick to your rules, I’m going to use some of my own to pick your games. (more…)

mangino-1.jpgSo I got another genius comment from what I am going to presume is a Jayhawk supporter. I’m making that assumption based not on the content of the comment itself (see below), but more on the inability to use anything resembling proper grammar (‘your’ not ‘you’re,’ no capitalization, etc.)

But, again, the fact that Kansas is undefeated doesn’t mean that their schedule hasn’t been easy. The latter actually facilitates the former. Who is their biggest win against? The worst Nebraska team maybe ever? An OSU team that blew a 21 point fourth quarter lead at home to Texas?

To this point (November 13) the Jayhawks have beaten exactly one team that was ranked when they played them. That was a K-State team that is now 5-5. (more…)

supersupergay.jpgShit week. Job. Girls. Family. Money. Everything. Just a shit week. I even made my flight reservations for a friend’s wedding to the wrong city. Oops.

It all kind of makes fantasy sports seem even dumber and gayer than they already are. Yet, I’m in three leagues (2 football, 1 fútbol… I’m actually in 2 of these but I lost the l/p to the one for That’s On Poitnt (Sorry Cardillo, I’m the dick in last place still starting Reo Coker)). Anyway, I took a beating akin to a 12- year-old’s penis after he just discovered masturbation. In all leagues. Just piling on I suppose.

Bust after a decent start I am just getting raked in my fantasy fútbol league. EPL info is too hard to come by and I seem to cause players to score multiple goals by dropping them and cause them to get red cards by picking them up. So fuck all of them. And fuck them 5-7-5 style.

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manginothinnerdays1.jpgThe World’s Worst Prognosticator (that’s me) only managed to go 3-1 last week by not actually prognosticating. Really, it was a totally random finger to the computer screen. And I almost went 4-0 had the coach at Troy not called timeout 3 times in the last 30 seconds of the game to get one more touchdown and the cover.

Dick.

So I raise my record to a pathetic 6-18. I’m almost disappointed that I couldn’t manage to go 0-4 a third straight week but, again, I actually took myself out of the equation. And the two games that Gabe Kaplan’s Stylist picked that I contemplated doing, I went 0-2 on. So, I might have pulled it off had I tried, but that would have required effort and stuff.

Anyway, it’s pretty clear what to make of what I say. So with that in mind…

Play in traffic. Take candy from strangers. Invest on stock tips found on the Internet. Share a needle with Keith Richards. Go hunting with powerful politicians. Have unprotected sex next time you’re in Estonia.

More bad advice after the jump. And this week, like guys with no stamina, it comes early. (more…)

ryan_02.jpgBad officiating is as much a part of life as hangovers and Nora Ephron movies. You hate to have to suffer through them but, ultimately, as a prelude to maybe getting laid, they seem inevitable (the drinking and the chick flicks that is, not the umpiring).

But did anyone else watch the 4th quarter of the Boston College v. Florida State game on Saturday—what, so I had a hard time getting my ass off the couch to make it out that night—and think it wasn’t just bad, but curiously bad? And by ‘curiously’ I mean: ‘Dude, if you bet the money line, try to be a little more subtle.’

Specifically there were two spots, both made by the same line judge, both nowhere close to accurate, and both in favor of Boston College. (more…)

losers.jpgI am defying all kinds of statistical probabilities this year. The line is supposed to make it a 50-50 proposition*. So just by randomly picking teams, I should be around .500. It’s not a large sample size, but it’s getting large enough.

I’m not close. I am 3-17, including an 0-fer my last 8. For what it’s worth, I don’t think I’ve gotten laid in the last couple of weeks either, so I’m failing in pretty much every aspect of my sinning life.

Although getting drunk? Still not a problem.

Anyway, my .150 winning percentage is beyond bad. And I watch a lot of college football. It’s not healthy. So you’d think I’d be better at this. Nope.

I’m giving up. I’m not quitting, just switching tactics. I’m going to be a monkey throwing his own poo at a computer screen and see what happens. I brought up a page with all the games and the lines, closed my eyes, put my finger to the screen and picked the team my finger landed on. And I’m just going to justify it after the fact.

And if that doesn’t work, I’m going buy a hooker and hope that turns everything around next week. Picks after the jump.

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