Okay Gabe. I have no idea what you are talking about. Really, what prompted the diatribe about Kuh-lee-for-nee-ah? Is this your way of saying that people whose homes are on fire get what they deserve for living in the modern Sodom and/or Gomorrah?

And if you are going to poke fun of people’s intelligence, at least try to spell ‘proletariat’ correctly.

Also, try to stay up with the big kids. I did the Constanza schtick last week. But if you want to give people a sense of deja vu—only this time without the party hats— then well played. Here’s the fun part though… It killed me. I would have gone 4-0 had I not gotten cute with the “I’ll just do the exact opposite of ordering tuna on toast and I’ll screw the girl at the counter and get a job with the Yankees” crap. Instead I threw-up an 0-fer and lowered my percentage on the season to something resembling a pitcher’s batting average (a pitcher not named Micah Owings).

This week’s wisdom-free advice after the jump…

Louisville -14 over Pitt

I know the Cards are a huge disappointment under Kragthorpe, but I am a firm believer in the maxim: You will never go broke appealing to the lowest common denominator betting against Dave Wannstedt.

Texas Tech -12.5 over Colorado

The Dread Pirate Leach doesn’t have to worry about altitude and Lubbock is such a shitty place that having to go there is an automatic minus-five for the visitors. So by my calculus, I’m giving up a little more than a touchdown.

Florida -8 over Georgia

Dear Georgia: You are never going to even compete for a national championship with Mark Richt as your coach. Also, Florida, I’m already sick of Tim Tebow. Really, is he a senior yet? I bet he’s going to pass Carlos Huerta and his nine year career at Miami for longest tenure in college football history. I’m just rambling. Florida is at least two-scores better at the game formerly known as the World’s Largest Outdoor Cock ‘n’ Tail Party.

Texas -22 over Nebraska

Hey remember when Nebraska thought they were back to being nationally relevant? Remember? It was like three weeks ago. Yeah, me neither. I saw what Chase Daniel did to Nebraska. I think in Austin, the Horns can probably do about the same. If Tom Osbourne is smart, he fires Callahan at half and coaches Q3 and Q4. Texas would still cover. Free money, folks.

My response to your picks.

Virginia Tech -3 over BC

I like Tech at home but I’m not sure I want to give 3 points. Who has BC beaten? Is Karma also a dish best served cold? I’m still bitter about that bullshit celebration penalty. Maybe this is the week the Gods atone for their mistakes. But this isn’t analysis, this is just wishful thinking.

Oregon -3 over USC (Agree)

Fuck you Pete Carroll. Fuck you and your challenge flag with 3 minutes left in South Bend on a 38 point lead right in the ass. You are the epitome of douchebaggery. Okay, just want to make sure there is no grey area on where I stand with that asshat.

South Florida -5 over UConn (Agree)

Can I punt? I am kind of buying into South Florida but not really. They’ve had a couple of impressive wins. But, man, teams seem to make a lot of mistakes (read: turnovers ) against the Bulls. Many of them don’t even looked forced. It’s like “Hey, look… open field. That looks like a good place to set the ball down for a rest. Wow, such pretty colors. That cheerleader sure is cute. Why are so many people screaming? I like chocolate and choo-choo trains.”

Texas A&M +3 over Kansas (Disagree)

I used to think that Mark Mangino liked wearing black shirts. Now I realize he’s wearing colored shirts, it’s just that no light can escape his gravity. I have no idea why I’m picking the Ags. I actually think Kansas will win.