So, if last week is any indication, the picks are worthless (under promising), but hey you get them a day early this week (over delivering). We also kind of have to because one of the games is the Thursday Kentucky v. Carolina tilt.
This week’s caveat: I would have told you that Southern Miss -21 was a lock against Rice in the Wednesday game.
And I would have been right… provided they didn’t play the first three quarters. I guess that’s why they call them quarters, though. There are four of them. With that firm grasp on the obvious in mind here are my picks. Followed by my reponse to the counter-programming over at Gabe Kaplan’s Stylist. Enjoy. And remember these are for entertainment purposes only. And by “entertainment” I mean “gambling.”
Kansas State -3 over Kansas
Didn’t K-State just roll Texas in Austin? So they’re only giving 3 at home to Kansas? What does Vegas know that I don’t? Answer: That Kansas ranks third nationally in total offense. No shit? Seriously, I had no idea. But they are indeed putting up over 550 yards a game. They also did it against 4 craptacular teams—Directional Michigan, Bi-Directional Louisiana, FIU, and the Arkansas School for the Blind and Visually Impaired—that are a combined 4-15. The blind have two of those wins. Take the Cats, give the points, and pray that Mangino’s gravity doesn’t impact the trajectory of the football when K-State throws.
Alabama -11 over Houston
I haven’t seen the Cougars take a single snap all year. So this is a complete guess. A decent SEC team is at least 10 points better than a decent CUSA team. Add three points for the home advantage and a third grader could figure this one out (i.e 13 > 11).
Oklahoma – 10.5 over Texas
Man, I take a ton of shit from my friends for bagging on the Horns (we’re almost all from Austin). Really I just think Mack Brown is a total fraud as an X’s and O’s guy. You know that hypothetical where someone asks if you have one game you have to win, who do you pick as your coach? My answer is that I don’t care who my coach is, as long as Brown is on the opposing sideline. Of course when Texas loses a game that they shouldn’t—like last week’s 41-21 pasting by Kansas State—I spend the week fielding calls from my friends that go something like: “Greg Davis must have pictures of Mack Brown naked with a dwarf” and “I bet Stoops and his staff spend this week pissing themselves with laughter as they breakdown Texas game film.” Yes, they do. Even last year when Texas won without the services of Vince Young, OU still outgained the Texas by over 100 yards. Too bad they fumbled 6 times (lost 3) and threw two picks. Last week’s collapse against Colorado makes me a little nervous, but just a little. This won’t be 65-13 bad, but it will still be a couple of touchdowns bad.
Oklahoma State +6.5 over Texas A&M
Coach Fran is an idiot. And until he figures out that he has a freak of nature in Martellus Bennett and throws to him 10-12 times a game, I’m sticking to that. Oh, probably doesn’t help the team that he got nailed selling secrets to big money boosters. Really, who needs to pay for information telling them that A&M can’t beat even marginally decent teams consistently? Oh, wait. Other Aggies do.
Click here for the Gabe Kaplan picks. My response to those is below:
Kentucky (+4) over South Carolina (Agree) You’re really going to call out Spurrier for changing QB’s? The guy’s name is Smelley. That’s right. There is a Smelley cock at QB. That’s gold, Jerry. Gold. I can’t believe I’d ever say this, but Kentucky has better skill position players than a Spurrier coached team. All Kentucky has to do is stop the run and they know it. As for Rich Brooks, gonna be hard to get him to Austin when y’all (Note: Texas speak) keep giving Brown million-dollar raises every year. Seriously, like anyone is trying to hire that guy away from Texas. Of course such a weak grasp of labor economics might explain why McCombs is tumbling down the rankings.
Cincinnati (+3) over Rutgers. (Disagree) So are you calling the Rutgers football team a bunch of half-Irish laundresses? And I don’ think anyone who reads Du Maurier reads blogs (Oh, if only she was a Nebraska fan… (Get it? Husker Du Maurier?)). So you’re only confusing our lowbrow audience. Next time try something a little more nuanced and whimsical like, “Suddenly Rutgers sucks again.” Only I don’t agree. I don’t think they were ever that great to begin with. Still, I’ll take the Scarlet Knights and I’ll take my chances.
Florida (+8) over LSU (Disagree) I heard someone on one of the DarthSPN outlets today say that the blueprint has been made for beating Meyer and Tebow. Don’t blitz, play your linebackers soft. Give them the short game and keep everything in front of you. That seemed to make sense to me. Plus LSU’s defense is really fast. And even Les Miles can’t fuck up speed.