October 2007


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Okay Gabe. I have no idea what you are talking about. Really, what prompted the diatribe about Kuh-lee-for-nee-ah? Is this your way of saying that people whose homes are on fire get what they deserve for living in the modern Sodom and/or Gomorrah?

And if you are going to poke fun of people’s intelligence, at least try to spell ‘proletariat’ correctly.

Also, try to stay up with the big kids. I did the Constanza schtick last week. But if you want to give people a sense of deja vu—only this time without the party hats— then well played. Here’s the fun part though… It killed me. I would have gone 4-0 had I not gotten cute with the “I’ll just do the exact opposite of ordering tuna on toast and I’ll screw the girl at the counter and get a job with the Yankees” crap. Instead I threw-up an 0-fer and lowered my percentage on the season to something resembling a pitcher’s batting average (a pitcher not named Micah Owings).

This week’s wisdom-free advice after the jump… (more…)

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Yes, I will publish any comment no matter how stupid.

But please, at least make an attempt to provide accurate information, or lie well enough to where I don’t think you are a complete dumbass. To wit:

E-mail : Bill@aol.com
URL : http://Bill.com
Whois : http://ws.arin.net/cgi-bin/whois.pl?queryinput=68.103.26.172
Comment:
Get over yourselves. You’re all just mad that KU is sweet and undefeated! good call on Nebraska also you idiots! 7-0 NUMBER 9 baby

First off, this comment is so bland I cannot understand why anyone would want to hide their actual identity behind ‘bill@aol.com.’ What? Are you taking your cues from ESPN Conversation? Second, uh, the fact that Kansas is 7-0 is actually supporting the original contention, specifically that KU has a butt-easy schedule this year. So what exactly is there to get over?

Of course, if you are going to be that stupid, maybe it’s best you keep your actual identity to yourself. At least it gives me a chance to post another picture of the gigantor that is Mark Mangino.

My caption. “No, I said ‘Throw the whole doughnut,’ not ‘Throw the doughnut hole.'”

partyhats1.jpg Let’s celebrate consistency—we can make little party hats and serve cupcakes—because ‘consistent’ is the only thing I am. Well, I’m also smart enough not to bet my own picks but after 3 weeks of this, I am 3-9, having gone 1-3 every week.

I would have gone 2-2 but OU can’t seem to convert a fucking extra point(…and that’s why you live in Norman). At least I didn’t put up an 0-fer as Gabe Kaplan’s Sylist did. And I was dead on when I predicted that Kurt Warner’s God would abandon him. I might not know football, but I am a theological genius.

So let it be written.

I think I’ve joked about just taking my advice, going the other way, then retiring. Seriously, if I were 9-3, I’d have a 900 number and a trophy wife by now. Well, I’m going to take my own advice on taking my advice and I’ll be knee deep in hookers and poundcake by this time next week.

Let’s go to the videotape. (more…)

fuckthisguy.jpgNotre Dame has been BC’s bitch for, well, all of this century as the kids from Chestnut Hill have taken five of the last six from the Irish. So naturally ND responded the only reasonable fashion: they took the Eagles off the schedule. (Oh and Kevin White, now that Tom O’Brien is gone, this might actually prove to have been a pretty bad idea).

While the recent lack of success against our brethren Catholics has been frustrating to say the least, the lingering resentment for Irish fans goes back to the 1993 game. Really, beating Bob Davie and Ty Willingham? Big deal. Spoiling that season? Still stings right here. (more…)

led_zeppelin_330x470.jpgFor all of my indie rock snobbery, man I fucking love Led Zeppelin. And I forget this. So when I break it out, I get the pleasant surprise of re-realizing, “Holy shit, this is freaking awesome.”

What’s this have to do with college football? Nothing. I’m just rocking Physical Graffiti right now. And for all the run the standards get, “The Rover” might have the coolest Jimmy Page riff of all time. At least it’s the most fun to replicate with your mouth.

It’s definitely more fun than showing what an idiot I am on a weekly basis. Really, this season is an absolute disaster, but as I pointed out earlier in the week the smarty pantses in Las Vegas are just as clueless.

Still, if I can’t even go 2-2 this week, I’m going to resort to darts for next.

Gabe Kaplan’s Stylist seems off the ball this week. [Ed. Note: Picks are now up.]If I get his snark, I’ll post it and my responses to his equally stupid picks, but for now… to trip is just to fall: (more…)

stanford.jpgOkay, so Week Two of us sending you to the AFDC line has passed. And if you haven’t figured out yet to take our advice and bet the opposite, you are dumber than we are.

I went 1-3.

Again.

But I could have easily gone 4-0.

No, no. Hear me out. Alabama was putting a beat down on Houston, but the Tide not only let the Cougars back in, they let them fool around with their wife. Oklahoma missed a throat-cutting field goal inside the last minute and I saw that line close to as low as 9 before kickoff (Hey, we have to get this going on Wednesday). And Kansas State? I just refused to believe they lost to Kansas. (more…)

mcconcussed.jpgSo, if last week is any indication, the picks are worthless (under promising), but hey you get them a day early this week (over delivering). We also kind of have to because one of the games is the Thursday Kentucky v. Carolina tilt.

This week’s caveat: I would have told you that Southern Miss -21 was a lock against Rice in the Wednesday game.

And I would have been right… provided they didn’t play the first three quarters. I guess that’s why they call them quarters, though. There are four of them. With that firm grasp on the obvious in mind here are my picks. Followed by my reponse to the counter-programming over at Gabe Kaplan’s Stylist. Enjoy. And remember these are for entertainment purposes only. And by “entertainment” I mean “gambling.” (more…)