At Least I’m Not Rhyming ‘BCS’ and ‘Mess’

First let’s take a moment and acknowledge the awesomeness that was Bizarro College Football Season.

It was awesome.

Okay, now you can revert to your Edvard Munch face.

Yes, the BCS has left us with Cheaty McSweatervest vs. Talky McLoudcoach. God what a dream.

That is if your dreams include getting sucker punched in the nuts. But hey, somebody’s gotta live in Columbus.

Really, the BCS has sucked the lifeforce out of me. I can barely make a dick joke when talking about it. Still, I feel compelled to take a couple of jabs at the cocksure kids in Columbus and Red Stick.

Yes, you won the sweepstakes. Do you deserve it? Not really. Not that anybody else did. Save for Hawaii everyone’s got one big strike against them. Some have two.

 

Rivalry Weak

I’m scrambling to get these up before the Horns and the Aggies face off. So there is minimal snark to kick off this week’s picks. Plus I think I’m still in a tryptafan coma. But it’s rivalry week. Yep, nothing like the traditional West Fuckin’ Virginia v. Connecticut tilt to fire up a sports weekend. At least Kansas v. Missouri means something really significant for the first time ever. I’m going to stop bashing the Fat Man. I am in awe of what he’s done in Lawrence this year. Plus, I’m fearful he might sit on me.

Useless information is after the jump.

 

Feeling the Pressure Like Mark Mangino’s Knees

The World’s Worst Prognosticator (that’s me) only managed to go 3-1 last week by not actually prognosticating. Really, it was a totally random finger to the computer screen. And I almost went 4-0 had the coach at Troy not called timeout 3 times in the last 30 seconds of the game to get one more touchdown and the cover.

Dick.

So I raise my record to a pathetic 6-18. I’m almost disappointed that I couldn’t manage to go 0-4 a third straight week but, again, I actually took myself out of the equation. And the two games that Gabe Kaplan’s Stylist picked that I contemplated doing, I went 0-2 on. So, I might have pulled it off had I tried, but that would have required effort and stuff.

Anyway, it’s pretty clear what to make of what I say. So with that in mind…

Play in traffic. Take candy from strangers. Invest on stock tips found on the Internet. Share a needle with Keith Richards. Go hunting with powerful politicians. Have unprotected sex next time you’re in Estonia.

More bad advice after the jump. And this week, like guys with no stamina, it comes early.

 

If Only I Knew Your Name Mr. Line Judge

Bad officiating is as much a part of life as hangovers and Nora Ephron movies. You hate to have to suffer through them but, ultimately, as a prelude to maybe getting laid, they seem inevitable (the drinking and the chick flicks that is, not the umpiring).

But did anyone else watch the 4th quarter of the Boston College v. Florida State game on Saturday—what, so I had a hard time getting my ass off the couch to make it out that night—and think it wasn’t just bad, but curiously bad? And by ‘curiously’ I mean: ‘Dude, if you bet the money line, try to be a little more subtle.’

Specifically there were two spots, both made by the same line judge, both nowhere close to accurate, and both in favor of Boston College.

 

So Very, Very Bad

I am defying all kinds of statistical probabilities this year. The line is supposed to make it a 50-50 proposition*. So just by randomly picking teams, I should be around .500. It’s not a large sample size, but it’s getting large enough.

I’m not close. I am 3-17, including an 0-fer my last 8. For what it’s worth, I don’t think I’ve gotten laid in the last couple of weeks either, so I’m failing in pretty much every aspect of my sinning life.

Although getting drunk? Still not a problem.

Anyway, my .150 winning percentage is beyond bad. And I watch a lot of college football. It’s not healthy. So you’d think I’d be better at this. Nope.

I’m giving up. I’m not quitting, just switching tactics. I’m going to be a monkey throwing his own poo at a computer screen and see what happens. I brought up a page with all the games and the lines, closed my eyes, put my finger to the screen and picked the team my finger landed on. And I’m just going to justify it after the fact.

And if that doesn’t work, I’m going buy a hooker and hope that turns everything around next week. Picks after the jump.

 

If You’re Going to Steal, At Least Steal Something Original

Okay Gabe. I have no idea what you are talking about. Really, what prompted the diatribe about Kuh-lee-for-nee-ah? Is this your way of saying that people whose homes are on fire get what they deserve for living in the modern Sodom and/or Gomorrah?

And if you are going to poke fun of people’s intelligence, at least try to spell ‘proletariat’ correctly.

Also, try to stay up with the big kids. I did the Constanza schtick last week. But if you want to give people a sense of deja vu—only this time without the party hats— then well played. Here’s the fun part though… It killed me. I would have gone 4-0 had I not gotten cute with the “I’ll just do the exact opposite of ordering tuna on toast and I’ll screw the girl at the counter and get a job with the Yankees” crap. Instead I threw-up an 0-fer and lowered my percentage on the season to something resembling a pitcher’s batting average (a pitcher not named Micah Owings).

This week’s wisdom-free advice after the jump…

 

I Really Will Publish Almost Any Comment… Especially If It Lets Me Post Pictures of Mark Mangino

Yes, I will publish any comment no matter how stupid.

But please, at least make an attempt to provide accurate information, or lie well enough to where I don’t think you are a complete dumbass. To wit:

E-mail : Bill@aol.com
URL : http://Bill.com
Whois : http://ws.arin.net/cgi-bin/whois.pl?queryinput=68.103.26.172
Comment:
Get over yourselves. You’re all just mad that KU is sweet and undefeated! good call on Nebraska also you idiots! 7-0 NUMBER 9 baby

First off, this comment is so bland I cannot understand why anyone would want to hide their actual identity behind ‘bill@aol.com.’ What? Are you taking your cues from ESPN Conversation? Second, uh, the fact that Kansas is 7-0 is actually supporting the original contention, specifically that KU has a butt-easy schedule this year. So what exactly is there to get over?

Of course, if you are going to be that stupid, maybe it’s best you keep your actual identity to yourself. At least it gives me a chance to post another picture of the gigantor that is Mark Mangino.

My caption. “No, I said ‘Throw the whole doughnut,’ not ‘Throw the doughnut hole.’”

 

Waiting for Godot Gabe Kaplan’s Stylist

Let’s celebrate consistency—we can make little party hats and serve cupcakes—because ‘consistent’ is the only thing I am. Well, I’m also smart enough not to bet my own picks but after 3 weeks of this, I am 3-9, having gone 1-3 every week.

I would have gone 2-2 but OU can’t seem to convert a fucking extra point(…and that’s why you live in Norman). At least I didn’t put up an 0-fer as Gabe Kaplan’s Sylist did. And I was dead on when I predicted that Kurt Warner’s God would abandon him. I might not know football, but I am a theological genius.

So let it be written.

I think I’ve joked about just taking my advice, going the other way, then retiring. Seriously, if I were 9-3, I’d have a 900 number and a trophy wife by now. Well, I’m going to take my own advice on taking my advice and I’ll be knee deep in hookers and poundcake by this time next week.

Let’s go to the videotape.

 

Nope, Not Bitter At All

Notre Dame has been BC’s bitch for, well, all of this century as the kids from Chestnut Hill have taken five of the last six from the Irish. So naturally ND responded the only reasonable fashion: they took the Eagles off the schedule. (Oh and Kevin White, now that Tom O’Brien is gone, this might actually prove to have been a pretty bad idea).

While the recent lack of success against our brethren Catholics has been frustrating to say the least, the lingering resentment for Irish fans goes back to the 1993 game. Really, beating Bob Davie and Ty Willingham? Big deal. Spoiling that season? Still stings right here.

 

Weak Three

For all of my indie rock snobbery, man I fucking love Led Zeppelin. And I forget this. So when I break it out, I get the pleasant surprise of re-realizing, “Holy shit, this is freaking awesome.”

What’s this have to do with college football? Nothing. I’m just rocking Physical Graffiti right now. And for all the run the standards get, “The Rover” might have the coolest Jimmy Page riff of all time. At least it’s the most fun to replicate with your mouth.

It’s definitely more fun than showing what an idiot I am on a weekly basis. Really, this season is an absolute disaster, but as I pointed out earlier in the week the smarty pantses in Las Vegas are just as clueless.

Still, if I can’t even go 2-2 this week, I’m going to resort to darts for next.

Gabe Kaplan’s Stylist seems off the ball this week. [Ed. Note: Picks are now up.]If I get his snark, I’ll post it and my responses to his equally stupid picks, but for now… to trip is just to fall: