What’s this have to do with college football? Nothing. I’m just rocking Physical Graffiti right now. And for all the run the standards get, “The Rover” might have the coolest Jimmy Page riff of all time. At least it’s the most fun to replicate with your mouth.
It’s definitely more fun than showing what an idiot I am on a weekly basis. Really, this season is an absolute disaster, but as I pointed out earlier in the week the smarty pantses in Las Vegas are just as clueless.
Still, if I can’t even go 2-2 this week, I’m going to resort to darts for next.
Gabe Kaplan’s Stylist seems off the ball this week. [Ed. Note: Picks are now up.]If I get his snark, I’ll post it and my responses to his equally stupid picks, but for now… to trip is just to fall:
Purdue +7 over Michigan
God, I’m starting to hate Big 10 football. Not only is it as boring as shopping but from week to week it defies any attempt to be sensical. Cheaty McSweatervest keeps winning, and that’s about the only thing that happens with any certainty. Purdue loads up to stop Hart and they cover. They might even win straight up.
Houston -17 over Rice
The Owls needed about 7 turnovers from a fourth string emergency QB to beat Southern Miss. Even then they tried to give it away with 21 4th quarter points. Still, the Owls have had a stunning amount of recent success over their crosstown rivals. “Hmmm… I’m opposed to his Bart killing policy, but I’m in favor of his Selma killing policy.” Fuck it, Cougar High burned me last week. They can’t do it twice in a row. I’m also working on a theory about coaches that goes something like: “Never bet on a team coached by a man whose last name is a job you’d never aspire to.” Reason #2 to pick Houston.
Texas Tech -8 over Texas A&M
I think the Aggies have lost in their last couple of trips to Lubbock by an average of something like 79 to 4. So theoretically, I’d be willing to give the Farmers in the neighborhood of 70-something. And I only have to give 8? Nothing can possibli go wrong.
Missouri +13 over Oklahoma
Everything about this says take the Sooners. They’ve already lost the game they shouldn’t. They are at home. They know if they run the table the Big 12 North is theirs. And Missouri has already played their perfect game for the season (last week against Nebraska). So, for that reason I’m going to other way. I’m 2-6. Why would I listen to myself? I’ll take the Tigers and the points.
Gabe Kaplan’s Stylist picks are up and so are my responses:
What? Are we trying to score points based upon what our sisters are doing? My sister just beat back breast cancer. Cancer, with a ‘c’.
Score: Precious Roy 1 – Gabe Kaplan’s Stylist – 0
Your sister also dumped Drew Brees in high school, didn’t she? Maybe she should have negative points.
Tell her congrats though, and to take the job with the Queen because it’s pretty cool to be able to pick up your phone and say, “Hi, I’m calling on behalf of the Queen” and not have it be on behalf of Harvey Firestien. Also the next job up with the Queen is better than the next job up with the eco-vertisers.
Central Florida (+12) over South Florida. (Agree) I almost picked this one. But then I didn’t because I realized I had no clue what to make of either team despite having watched each of them twice. Yes, I’ve actually sat through about 12 hours of teams that I didn’t even know existed about 4 years ago. No, I don’t have a girlfriend. Why do you ask? And I’ve said it elsewhere, in heaven Gus Johnson and Bill Raftery call every basketball game and Ron Franklin calls every football game. God, I can’t wait to die so I don’t ever have to hear Joe Buck again. Keeping with your job leitmotif, I’ll pick the resume cheat as well.
Cincinnati (-10) over Louisville. (Agree) “Root for UC to keep winning, they have an argument as the best team in the nation.” And what’s that argument? “We beat Southeast Missouri State and San Diego State.” San Diego isn’t even a state. How much can that win count for? I am coming around on the Bearcats though and Louisville’s defense couldn’t stop the French from retreating.
Illinois (-4) over Iowa. (Agree) Juice Schmuice. Rashard Mendenhall is the reason the Illini are currently leading the Big 10. No, that sentence is not a joke. But if I think about that much longer my head might actually explode*.
(*Won’t actually explode)
NFL Arizona (-4 1/2) over Carolina. (Disagree) Vinny Testaverde might be starting for Carolina but God doesn’t actually care much for Kurt Warner or his wife. It’s true. He told me. And to prove it He’s going to cause the Jesus QB to throw 4 picks this weekend. Book it.