wrong_kind.jpgBut damn if I’m not going to try.

And it’s only kind of indie but what it lacks in obscurity it more than makes up for in snobbery and cynical goodness.

What follows is the pre-season college football Top 25 (USA Today) if the teams were albums. It’s biased. It’s arbitrary. And it might not even make much sense. But some of them are still pretty accurate.

Counting them down (or actually counting them up) after the jump (And yes, that’s the wrong kind of football in the pic, but it’s a minor miracle I found indie rockers (CYHSY! and The National) doing anything even remotely athletic).

1) USC

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The White Stripes “White Blood Cells”

Sure, everyone raves and they might really be that good, but I can’t fucking stand them.

2) LSU

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Creeper Lagoon “Take Back the Universe and Give Me Yesterday”

Everything seems perfect right now. Really. But it’s only a matter of time until Ian Sefchik (Les Miles) ruins it all.

3) Florida

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Pavement “Slanted and Enchanted”

Good. Almost too good for a debut. But if they follow it up with a “Crooked Rain, Crooked Rain” nobody will be able to say there was anything flukey about it.

4) Texas

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The Clash “Cut the Crap”

Mick Jones (Vince Young) has left the band, and you still haven’t figured out that things will never again be as good as they once were.

5) Michigan

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Buffalo Tom “Let Me Come Over”

You’re usually really good, start to finish. You’re just never going to be a big time headliner.

6) West Virginia

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Cold War Kids “Robbers & Cowards”

Remind me again why we are talking about this.

7) Wisconsin

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Built to Spill “There’s Nothing Wrong with Love”

I can’t explain this. It just seems to fit.

8) Oklahoma

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Anything by Foo Fighters.

It’s never bad. And almost always better than it should be. Dave Grohl (Bob Stoops) can lose Pat Smear (Jason White) or Franz Stahl (Adrian Peterson) and there’s a Chris Shifflet (Alan Patrick) to step in and nobody loses a beat.

9) Virginia Tech

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TV on the Radio “Desperate Youth, Blood Thirsty Babes”

Even with the unusual arrangements (read: peculiar over-reliance on special teams) I find this strangely appealing.

10) Ohio State

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The Replacements “Don’t Tell a Soul”

“Tim” and “Let it Be” are already in your past. Worse, you’ve got an “All Shook Down” in your future.

11) Louisville

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Dinosaur Jr. “Where You Been”

In a few years most people will forget not only that you were ever this good but that you had a shot to be great. [Cf. Soul Coughing (Kansas State)]

12) California

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Elvis Costello “Blood & Chocolate”

People are always going to overlook you. Sorry, that’s just the way it is.

13) Georgia

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The Flaming Lips “Clouds Taste Metallic”

If you’re a pessimist, you’re probably thinking there is a bizarre series of disasters in your short-term future. But cheer up, because after that, you’re due for “The Soft Bulletin.”

14) Auburn

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Wolfmother s/t

I really gave this every chance possible, but I just can’t get excited about it.

15) Tennessee

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Wolf & Cub “Vessels”

See: Wolfmother.

16) Rutgers

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The Glands s/t

Just a one-off wonder?

17) UCLA

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The Lemonheads “It’s a Shame About Ray”

They’ve been given a pass with mediocrity for far too long.

18) Penn State

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The Rolling Stones “Some Girls”

Okay, it’s not indie, but Mick and Keith (Joe Paterno) really should have hung it up years ago.

19) Nebraska

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Faith No More “The Real Thing”

They are bound to be more popular with Mike Patton (Callahan) but I will always believe that Chuck Mosely (Solich) deserved a longer tenure.

20) Arkansas

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The Brian Jonestown Massacre “And This Is Our Music”

This isn’t going to end well, is it?

21) Florida State

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Golden Smog “Weird Tales”

With all of that talent, shouldn’t this be much better?

22) TCU

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The Jon Spencer Blues Explosion “Now I Got Worry”

In a few years we will all look back and wonder why we ever thought this was any good.

23) Boise State

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Radiohead “The Bends” OR The Killers “Sam’s Town”

The first: It might take awhile before everyone truly appreciates how totally awesome what you did really was. The latter: Given what you did last time out, people are bound to think this sucks by comparison.

24) Hawaii

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The Polyphonic Spree “The Beginning Stages Of…”

Any moment now, people are going to stop looking at you as some kind of gimmick and just give in to the feel-good.

25) Texas A&M

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Patti Smith “Horses”

People actually like this shit?